T O P

The Great Debate- What do you think, do you hustle on OLD to find your partner or do you wait for someone to come to you? And let it happen more naturally.

The Great Debate- What do you think, do you hustle on OLD to find your partner or do you wait for someone to come to you? And let it happen more naturally.

Feeling-Usual-14505

If I let it happen naturally it would never happen


shaaangy

I also urge folks to relax their reification of the "natural," it's nothing more than atavism. Match-making paradigms change every period -- the "dating" orthodoxy in contemporary Anglo-European societies is a new development in itself. People used to meet through friends and families; later, as more women entered the workforce, through the workplace. [Now, online dating has become *the most common way new couples meet*.](https://news.stanford.edu/2019/08/21/online-dating-popular-way-u-s-couples-meet/) Online dating is our new reality. There is nothing unnatural about it. You don't have to rely on it, and it's fine to shun it, just as it was the case that some actively avoided family-match-making in the past.


hannabarberaisawhore

Haha I still remember the time OLD was looked down upon. Upon reflection, I’m kind of grateful to have experienced both worlds. Meeting people organically pre-OLD was hard for me, especially because of where I was and the fact I hated the bar scene.


nelozero

I don't think I've ever met anyone organically that's become a friend, relationship, or hook up. I'm not a bar person either cause I don't drink. But I'm not exactly hiding in a cave either. I took public transportation for work, taught classes at a very close knit private gym, and my regular 9-5 job has me introducing myself in a neighborhood to residents and businesses frequently. I've had a friend mention just meet people in the real world. I don't think it works quite like that. I've politely asked women out in public that I've come across, but have been declined. I think most people think it's easy or that's how it used to be, but they're mistaken.


okbacktowork

The entire concept of "dating" is really only a few generations old. As far as I'm concerned it's a new social experiment with an uncertain outcome. Even when you say "people used to meet through family and friends" we're still only talking about basically a couple hundred years at most, if we're talking about it in the context of "dating". The reality for most of civilization has been arranged marriage, or just marrying the neighbors daughter cause that's who's there and both families need more hands to work the gardens and tend the animals. There was no "dating" involved, at least not for the common folk. The whole idea of a man and a woman spending time together one-on-one was heavily forwned upon and in most places it would've gotten the guy killed, until not that many generations ago. The idea of hanging out one-on-one with he express purpose of romance was unheard of until, what, the 19th century maybe? And even then, only in the most progressive places. Even now it's frowned upon in most traditional cultures. So, whether we want to tack on the word "natural" or "unnatural" the reality is that all forms of dating are extremely new and uncharted territory.


WeedInTheKoolaid

Excellent post. Have my seal-face thingy.


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labicheenrose

Mine was definitely not a hustle. I would go on in bursts, swipe a little, chat for a bit, delete the app because no one caught my interest, rinse, repeat. I was actually about to delete the apps again when I decided to match with my current BF. Still deleted the apps, but now (hopefully) for good.


ToastyStephana

This is me to a T. I don’t dig the hustle, just know people who do. But I swipe a bit, chat a bit, match, and then delete it. Maybe go back on it in a month or more if I feel like it. I’m glad you met someone that’s awesome to hear!


labicheenrose

I honestly think it’s a healthy way to approach it otherwise you get burned out or jaded by the whole experience. Or at least, I felt that way. I still met people in the wild (pre-panoramic), and it felt similar: talk to them a bit and see if I felt a connection.


ToastyStephana

Yes exactly, otherwise you get overly exhausted and like you said burned out.


k_enigmatic

I found that keeping it on in the background but not checking it meant that at least my profile was still in circulation (and I might come back to a "like", I'm an M) However yea this is after years of using and deleting and then back again. I've now found a happy medium where I only use it a tiny bit and pause it before i burn out, by doing shorter cycles. Keeps my mental health in good stead and means I'm still active on there too.. Win win!


Zanotekk

I’m of the opinion that finding a life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. It seems foolish to me for someone to just sit back and take a passive role in that process. If it’s an important goal for you, then you should be open to virtually anything to find the right fit. That could be OLD or in “the wild”. Doesn’t mean you can’t take a break sometimes, but you’ll (probably) never find what you’re not looking for. It will probably do some good to do some self reflection on why none of your prospects work out.


ToastyStephana

Ah, I’ve been taking my time since I’m in lock down anyways over the last six months to really work on myself and reflect, it’s been very helpful for me, I can see why things didn’t work out in some of my previous relationships. The biggest one for me is, on OLD it’s just been harder for me to find someone who wants the same things as I do, or has the same end goal.


not_my_main_sub

Which is totally normal, especially if your goals are a little less conventional. Both OLD and the wild are games of chance, by doing both you increase the number of people that COULD be the right fit for you.


LetsWalkTheDog

Yeah, working on yourself during lockdown is a great use of time. I’m doing the same but now that it’s been so long, I’ve gotten back on OLD but it’s been almost complete silence on there… just crickets. I’m throughly convinced that my values and goals are different than most people, so it’s near impossible to make that initial match/connection even.


ToastyStephana

I’m very curious as to your values and goals, Maybe that’s why I’m recently having more of a problem on OLD as well.


LetsWalkTheDog

Focusing on only things that matters. Not chasing shiny things for unexamined reasons. Introspective. Being content. Mindfulness. Yoga. Heath and fitness focused. Love hiking and paddling in the mountains. Been whitewater rafting since in high school, kept it up in college and still do as an adult. Being globally minded. Sincere, open, and collaborative in communication and behavior. Wanting a family (3 or 4 kids, or more if adopting some of them and depending on life stages/circumstances). Being security focused. I like museums, theaters (also musicals), symphony, and opera, but jazz and indie folk music have a nice place in my heart. One day, having a very small homestead and right next to a city to grow heirloom veggies and heritage animals (have you tasted creamy duck eggs?), also to rescue at least one wild horse that’s already gentled. I grew up on a small horse farm near a large city. Not being superficial in things (like if I think something is important, I want to deeply understand it at its core). I’m a foodie and people here eat sh*t food. I mean I even attended cooking classes at a recognized cooking school just because I wanted to get better with my knife (knives) skills for my home cooking. I read and discuss and listen to evidence-based relationship and family therapists and intentionally apply it in relationships- attend seminars and sessions. I enjoy computers and electronics, so I learn on my own and take classes despite having graduated university a good whiles back. I’m very handy and can fix and build things. I help build a 16,000 Sq ft family-friendly museum including framing it out, wiring the electricity, hanging the walls, etc. That museum has won numerous regional awards for its service to families. I get free admission for my lifetime lol. I do furniture carpentry with joinery like dovetails, etc. I help grew global and local companies. And small businesses. Before that I worked in govt to grow the economic development of certain areas which included small mom & pop retailers, restaurants of all sizes, etc. I like innovation and learning about new developments in tech and business. I wake up every morning to the daily world news, market news and a lesson on managerial best practices from HBR- soft skills are very relevant still. Lol, my iPhone’s battery is low so I’ll stop here. What are your values, goals?


PaintedSwindle

Well you're not likely to find someone that ticks every single one of those many boxes. But if you generalize your basic core values, I bet there is someone out there for you


LetsWalkTheDog

I totally get that. At this point, I’m focused on the very basic. I can’t be choosy at all. That’s just me ranting… I’ll likely delete that post later on.


klutzydelaney

Is this what you say when people on OLD ask about your values?


LetsWalkTheDog

😂 absolutely not. With OLD it’s just short sentences and casual, nothing deep or revealing. I just finished a big work project and was stuck in a different head space. I’m not treating that reply as something that’s for OLD, more of an anonymous rant.


ThreeDogOmen

5/7 would walk the dog with you


ToastyStephana

Hi! Are you me? Lmfao


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Cretiabox

There are few choices you make in life that will undoubtedly define your life. Your choice of partner is one of them.


Sailor_Marzipan

I think it depends on age, local demographics, and pickiness. If I go to parties now @ 32, 75% of the people there are couples. This seems about par for the course no matter where you are (grocery stores, etc). Most of the people at my job (not that I would ever try to date any of them anyway) are around my age or only a bit older, but already married or coupled. I'm also picky. I'm extremely social - to a fault - so I meet way more people a month than the average person, and I still almost never come across guys organically who interest me. OLD helps me connect to a way larger pool


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ToastyStephana

I feel like OLD is rebound heaven. Lol lately that’s what I’ve come across. I at least waited six months since my last relationship to try.


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ToastyStephana

Lol!!


CrackTheSkye1990

>The problem with OLD for me is the women are already exhausted seemingly by the time I meet them. > >Or I get them fresh out of a relationship, and they're not actually ready to date (I did this too, so no judgment, I'm nice when they realize it). I had that happen two times this past week. One of them I had a first date with who asked for a 2nd date and added me on instagram started fizzling out of the blue only to tell me she's not ready to date. The 2nd one I never met up with, but when we exchanged numbers, she left me on read after I asked her if she was originally from Chicago area (the city we live in). And then a few days when I text her, she's like I just got out of a relationship and thought I was ready to date but I'm not. I dodged a bullet. But shit like this makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells.


screwyou22_

But I think it’s men and women who both are doing these kinds of things. Because I a woman, have experienced a TON of this flakiness from guys too… it feels like everyone is no longer EXCITED to meet anymore… like we’re all out there just going through the motions.. half ass-ing it, because we’ve lost hope, and any last SHRED of enthusiasm 🙁


Maladjustee

Damn if this ain't the truth


CrackTheSkye1990

Oh yeah, both genders do this. This isn’t a gender problem. It comes with the territory of online dating unfortunately and it sucks. I think people are less excited because of it.


klutchftw

Totally agree. The last two OLD I had, both got out of a recent relationship and were unsure if they looking for a new relationship. They were just putting themself out there to see what happens. So then I’m stuck wondering how much I should hustle to keep seeing them or just let it be. All of these experiences has left me tired and not wanting to try anymore. It use to be I would check in and seeing about more dates but now if I don’t hear a peep from them for more than a few days I just let it go.


ConvenientlyNoAnswer

I'm amazed that people go days between messaging people they're interested in. Like... if you click with someone, why not go straight to consistent messaging? Why do people go so slow?


klutchftw

Agree, maybe it’s a side effect of OLD, the ability to just keep on swiping and seeing what else is there


oceandreamer603

I find people don't seem to respond in my area. Or maybe I'm not very good at creating a profile? But it's hard to meet people organically where I am. I drive around doing errands and think wow there seems like lots of people my age. But are they all spoken for? When I am out and about i never really have any real life encounters. I think I'm trying. But maybe I'm too shy.


[deleted]

> I think it depends on age, local demographics, and pickiness. Gender probably plays a big role too.


the__itis

Nailed my life with this comment. Except being the guy it’s weirder because 99% of the girls you meet are dating someone in the crew or otherwise connected in a way that makes it have to be a high probability she is the one. Too much drama.


kawiah

All of this is me too. 🙋‍♀️


keepitgoingtoday

>I still almost never come across guys organically who interest me. Sammmme!


smokdya2

Yup, this sums it up for me as well!


Tulanol

As a man women may show interest at times but you pretty much have to be the initiator or you won't get dates. Frankly men as a group are kinda bad at realizing when women are interested in us. I have not realized I missed an opportunity till hours later several times. And I have been ‘too optimistic’ and thinking a woman was interested in me and turns out she just thought my shoes were cool and chatted me up so she could find where to buy a pair for her brother for Christmas. I tended to take things on OLD too personally. My self-esteem is a work in progress and I have made great strides but such is life 🤷‍♂️. I’m also on the autism spectrum so my ability to communicate and step into other's shoes online kinda sucks. My profiles unless I have like 6 friends help me write it, portrays me as an average person where it's hard for women to know what kind of guy I am and if we’re a good match. I’m not average but I don't fit in boxes very well either. In-person, the way I have learned to understand where someone is coming from emotionally is body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. And I memorize this unconscious so if a person reacts physically a certain way to a subject. And then it comes up again and their reaction is different I will notice. So I do better socially in person than one would expect from a person with autism. However I have more foot in mouth moments then the average person. So I do better in real life I stand out because I am not like most people for better or for worse. I quit OLD too much busywork, too few dates. Always felt like I sucked at dating online, versus real life. People with autism get very sick of socializing that seems shallow, and lots of the work on your profile and how you communicate online to me feels shallow so it bothers me more then most. Only thing I miss about OLD is I know I don't want kids, and I am 100% fine with a woman with older kids. But when I meet a woman I have to ask about kids in our first conversation, It's not okay to give false hope and waste people’s time so I need to know up front. Lots of women my age have kids, and I feel like a dick everytime I ask about the kids thing even though my reasons are good. And they need to know early on I am not the right guy for them. But with OLD I can rule out the kids variable without having to talk to people I am not suited for. Most of the successful techniques for online dating are just treating people as if they are biological machines and your job is to not trigger inherent biases we all have that have nothing to do with is this person a good candidate for us. Don't have a picture of yourself shirtless ( men )unless there are a good reason pictures of you playing volleyball Don't have a picture of your dog by itself, have a picture of you interacting with the dog. Have at least one picture of you with friends, makes you seem more approachable. Rotate your pictures often and take ones of you doing interesting things For tinder, put as many product names, bands, songs, etc. ( just shoot me ) I realize safety matters I realize how we present ourselves matters but if I have to do hours of this kind of thing often it's like it sucks the life right out of my head.


ladybug207

Both. Go on OLDs and if one goes bad, just go to a different location while still looking good and put yourself out there. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.


Not-DOT

>Some people prefer to use OLD till they stumble across the right person, some hustle, and go on many dates till they find someone they feel like they vibe well with. Others, prefer to kind of let people come to them in day to day life, let the opportunity happen more naturally, could happen at work, or a grocery store. I just don't understand why the grocery store is constantly mentioned on dating subs as a place to meet love interests. I must have not lived in the right places. To answer your question, I prefer organic and stick to IRL. And if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. I have checked out OLD on and off for years, and it never shows me men who are compatible, or who I'd want - as a straight woman who wants a monogamous LTR in my area, it is definitely not the place to fish for a life partner. That's too unfortunate because OLD gives you access to so many people so technically it gives you "options" and greater odds to meet the right person, but what good is it if those are all "options" you don't want?


violetmemphisblue

So, a theory I have is that a lot of people have a grocery routine, so they end up seeing the same people over time, and then they ask them out? I mainly do my grocery shopping later on Saturday night (since Covid, my weekends are wild, lol) and there are definitely familiar faces...no idea how true it is, but that (in my mind) makes more sense than just randomly asking people out over produce...


Not-DOT

The possibility of actually accepting a date from a guy who asks you out at the grocery store must be a regional or cultural thing because where I am, most women would not say yes, and would be considered very desperate and lacking street smarts if they did. Most women in my city avoid any unnecessary interaction with men they don't know, even if the guy is a familiar face at the supermarket.


ThrowedRoll

I think the grocery store meet is mostly an urban legend, something people talk about on the internet.


Not-DOT

Agreed. Or very rom-com.


Skeeter_206

I dunno, I can see it now, girl drops an orange while inspecting some fruit, it rolls over to a man of similar attractiveness, he picks it up, they laugh, he says "I think you dropped this, because it looks like it came all the way from heaven." she blushes, looks up at him and says "who the fuck are you, why are you hitting on me while I look at fruit, get away from me you weirdo". They then depart and never see each other again.


k_enigmatic

Had me in the first half! I blame the rom-coms haha


obviouslybait

It makes sense in a more, small town, small grocery store, slow-lifestyle sense. In 2021, If you live in a city, everyone is in a hurry, and grocery stores are very impersonal.


kril89

I live in a small town. My town doesn't even have a grocery store! Even the town over that has 3x my population 1k vs 3k. Every time I go to the grocery store pretty sure I've almost never seen the same person twice. Small towns are not at ALL what they are made up to be.


Total-Willow5165

I got hit on in a supermarket once, was extremely startled and nervous and turned him down. Feels weird to walk up to a woman and say she's pretty and ask her out as she's browsing the concentrated juice aisle.


Economy-Cockroach989

Sounds like he was concentrated on your juice lol


ToastyStephana

Lol!!


obviouslybait

10/10 response


llamalibrarian

City lady here. If I saw the same guy at the supermarket every time I went and convo built over time, I'd say yes if he asked me out. But someone I've never talked to before asking me out while I'm picking my avocados? That'd be a nope.


Able_Seesaw_8850

But, how often do you see the same people at the supermarket? And even if you did, how often would you ever talk to them at all? It still makes no sense.


llamalibrarian

I walk to a small local grocery store, even while living in the city. So I see a lot of the same people and the same cashiers. I make a lot of small talk there


violetmemphisblue

Oh, I don't think I'd ever say yes! I just tried to think of how the grocery store would be *the* recommended place. Like, if it is someone you've just seen for two seconds, the grocery store is no different than the gas station, but I've never seen a recommendation for exchanging numbers while pumping gas.


A_Young_Kirk_Cameron

The only people I recognize when I go to the grocery store are the people that work there. I also do not understand the “meeting people at the grocery store” concept.


violetmemphisblue

I didn't really notice I was seeing the same people until covid, when they were basically the *only* people I was seeing! Then I was like, hey, we're all here again at 11 at night, good to see you! I don't think I've actually had conversations with any of them, other than maybe four or five words here and there. I can't imagine jumping from a comment about frozen burritos to dating, but never say never, I guess!


A_Young_Kirk_Cameron

Ok, if you’re shopping for food at 11 pm on the weekend and seeing familiar faces, I’d say you have a better in for building a connection. Unlike myself, shopping at 4/5, the only person I hate more than the other shoppers is myself.


violetmemphisblue

I had to run into the grocery at like 5.30 last Saturday just to get a couple of ingredients that I thought I had on hand, and I was so annoyed by the time I parked my car. So many people just wandering around, so many kids, so many people who didn't know the basics of food (someone asked me if a recipe called for apples, could she use limes....wtf?!) I genuinely don't understand how daytime shoppers do it. I would starve before making that part of my routine!


Economy-Cockroach989

Interesting, like the old urban laundromat pick up... I work at a grocery store currently so I just shop when I'm hungry or out of food lol. Never considered some people routinely shop at the same time but it totally makes sense as we are creatures of habit, and I do see familiar people there often as we are a smaller neighborhood sized business with a lot of regulars.


Able_Seesaw_8850

I don't know how that's possible. Even when I did have a routine where I shopped at the same place every week, I would NEVER notice that the customers were ever the same.


IAmAQuailBiologist

Asking someone out at the grocery store is as bad as asking someone out on the bus. It's going to make your intended date want to flee and quite likely get stressed about avoiding another encounter.


Able_Seesaw_8850

Agreed. It has ALWAYS baffled me why the grocery store is EVER mentioned as a place to meet people! And it has somehow been mentioned like that as long as I can remember! I'm 39/m, btw. The ONLY way that makes sense is if that is just a silly stereotype from the '50's or '60's that somehow stuck around to the present. People at the grocery store are there to shop and NOT find dates, etc. They do NOT want to be bothered by small talk. Most of them aren't single anyway, even if they are there alone. Also, most of the weirdos who talk to random people at the grocery store aren't looking for dates either, they are just excessively friendly. Oh, and the same goes for bookstores (which barely even exist anymore) or anywhere else people go in real life.


Not-DOT

>The ONLY way that makes sense is if that is just a silly stereotype from the '50's or '60's that somehow stuck around to the present. This is exactly what I was thinking. It reminds me those random stories you hear about couples who got married in the 1950s after asking out a girl at the ice cream parlor or the young woman seen walking outside of the diner window. Maybe it sounds both romantic and mundane enough, so it's something people cling to in their imagination.


ToastyStephana

Lol I don’t know, I’ve been asked out at the grocery more than once. But I don’t think that will happen anymore, we have to wear masks where I am now. I went on OLD recently after not being on it for a while! And I just can’t seem to find someone who I vibe with that has the same goals as me, or what’s what I want. Thank you for down voting me for being honest...


Not-DOT

I have also been asked out in grocery stores and I have never said yes. It's men who are like the guys who hit on random women on the street...not men I'd say yes to.


ToastyStephana

I never said yes either... lol Yes in my experience it’s been the same approach as guy who just pulls his car up and expects you to get in and live happily ever after


Economy-Cockroach989

Its also hard to tell if you can vibe with someone based on some photos and a short bio. Honestly the person who I'm sweet on who is a coworker, if I had seen them on a dating app I might very well have swiped left, as shallow as that may be. OLD encourages shallow thinking IMO.


pocketsforeggs

I've met nearly all of my boyfriends online so I think it's probably likely that my next one will also be someone that I meet online. I get on the apps and I swipe, I'll message people first or respond to messages sent to me... But my heart isn't really in it. It's been a long time since I've been excited and crushing on someone. I'm sure it's possible that it'll happen again but so far it seems like my standards are too high for most people that I've talked to (and honestly, they aren't that high). I'm very open to meeting someone when I'm out but rarely ever feel like approaching someone like that. Although I'm open to it, I'm not constantly seeking or talking to people or trying to make things happen. I've only had a handful of relationships developed from meeting in person and in all cases we either had mutual friends or worked together and that's how we met. I would really ideally like to meet someone at a show so at least then I know we like some of the same music AND I know they'll go to concerts with me. It seems to be impossible for me to find someone who likes the same music as I do who wants to date me (and I wanna date them).


ToastyStephana

I wish you all the luck in the world, I’ve had a bit of a similar experience and mindset. I hope you find your person soon !


katattack869

Definitely depends on a variety of factors. I’ve always had much more success on OLD, especially as an introvert. I haven’t had a date or relationship that happened “naturally” in probably a decade. My husband and I would never have met in the wild and even if we had, I’d probably have been too intimidated.


biogirl52

My last bf and I always joked we'd have seen each other in the self check out line and both of us would have been too shy and probably tried to leave as quickly as possible. However I've had friends be like "we both agree we'd have swiped left on each other!".


VW1984

I live in a major city and everything’s so fast paced and everyone’s just busy. If you don’t an effort in dating then it won’t really happen. So I guess OLD is the easiest way to get to know someone


[deleted]

I've been OLDing for about 4 years on and off and now I'm finally off with no real intention of getting back on. The way I am and what makes me 'me doesn't jive well with OLDing. I move too slow. I think this is a personal question and a lot of ppl use OLD and IRL together. I'll be trying IRL cause I'm all tired from the apps. The right way will change as you change. No right or wrong way.


Expensive-Eggplant-1

I've never met someone from OLD that I've dated for an extended period of time. Of my four 2-5 year relationships, I met them all IRL.


JOEYMAMI2015

I've been trying as well for 5 years and I've tried it all: OLD apps, speed dating, meetups and nothing. I'm just ready to accept that I am meant to be single forever and that is fine by me. I am very open to meeting people but after 5 years, I am exhausted from trying so I'm just going to stop trying. Five years is more than enough time to tell me I should just stay alone. I hope everyone else here has way better luck than me though....


Feeling-Usual-14505

I feel the pain. Don’t give up I know that dread feeling but don’t sell yourself short.


JOEYMAMI2015

I think I was selling myself short trying to please others that's the point I am making...


CompanionCubeKiller

I'm 32 and have never been in a relationship. I feel you on the "meant to be single forever" thing.


JDHPH

Me too.


Simulation_Brain

Like anything in life, you get better results when you put more effort in to looking for and carefully choosing a partner.


Nowhere_Gal

I've always had the opposite experience. I've been in 2 serious relationships - both were guys I met IRL when I wasn't looking or putting effort in. Any time I tried putting effort in and used things like OLD it never panned out.


alleriamystic

I have no dating circles since i work from home. OLD is my only option but i do find the connections i made in person with men were better than online. My online relationships seem to devolve into friendships though.


thicdogmomma

I do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I've found the only real difference in HOW you meet someone is the story you get to tell people of how you met. People are going to be people, whether you meet them on an app or the "old" way.


quirkypinkllama

I actively chat with guys i like on OLD, in real life, I message guys on Facebook and Instagram. Essentially any avenue to let them know my intentions and see what happens.


zXster

I've had a few women approach me via FB for dates.. Most of them were one dates, fun though not people I was super into. I've asked a few women out that way too, but with little success. The worst is when In already Facebook friends with, we match but never goes anywhere. I have a handful that I debated a follow up message, but decided not to. One of which I havr had a massive "crush" on then matched on Bumble. But she never messaged, even with an extend (which I almost never do). Now all her posts make me roll me eyes. Lol


quirkypinkllama

I figure there's no harm in trying. You never know what could happen. I would rather try than live with regrets. I rarely get replies back from FB random flirts I send, but at least I'm putting myself out there.


zXster

Very true. And I often remind myself "the worst thing that happens is they say nothing"... and I'm in the same spot as if I never took my shot. I do hate though that as a guy I could get labeled a creep just by asking someone that I've got mutual friends and interests if she'd like to grab a drink.


ToastyStephana

You know what, I’ve actually never messaged someone on Facebook or Instagram first, like expressing my interest. Lol maybe I should try that tbh.


quirkypinkllama

You've got nothing to lose. Worst they can say is no.


SerpentineSorceror

I've used OLD off and on, exchanged a few messages on the occasion I actually matched with somebody I felt was compatible, and even rarer I've been on a date or two. But it never went anywhere other than out the door. So anymore I just keep my OLD profiles up to date and just wait to see who pings me. I'll scroll through every so often, do some browsing to see if someone strikes my interest but I don't hold my breath. When I'm out in the world? I've never been approached by anyone interested in me in more than a platonic manner. I'm just not that interesting, lol. Honestly, at this point I think more people should just be comfortable being alone with themselves, it's worked wonders for me. But YMMV.


NamelessBard

Sitting back and letting things happen is very much not the approach I want to take with anything in my life, so doing it for dating just wouldn't make sense. So, I would go on dates when I wanted, I would say what I was looking for, and I would keep suggesting dates with people I connected with. If I didn't want to go out much in a week, then I wouldn't plan dates. I took an active role in my dating life and it's weird to me that a lot of women want a man to lead so much that they don't do those things. Sitting back and waiting doesn't work for anything in life and it always surprises me that people romanticize it happening for them because of a few movies and stories from other people. Unless you just don't care about meeting someone, then that seems like a good approach.


ToastyStephana

Thank you for this, I am usually a bit more of a go getter, so I like the way you think.


NamelessBard

You do have to be okay with rejection though, which is why a lot of people are passive. People who do this a lot get pretty good at it (I did) but it's really alien for women to approach dating like this given the historical "men lead" context. I'm all for breaking gender norms, so finding someone who agrees with that and approached dating the same way was important.


ToastyStephana

Yes, I think I do need to be more okay with rejection for me to put myself out there like that, a work in progress for me.


PeanutButterBologn3

I'm a 30f single for about 5 years. I'm not into OLD. I want to meet someone naturally, by chance, or through a friend. I don't believe I can accurately judge someone's personality through a screen. I don't want to read a profile and get to know someone. Being on OLD might make finding a partner easier because there are so many details you can put out right away, but I dont want to see a picture and read a list to find my true love.


throwawayyyaccount82

I also want to meet someone naturally, but ugh it's so hard. The thing I hate about OLD is how many options people have—like yeah you're dating me, but you could also be dating a handful of others too, due to the nature of OLD. I don't like the thought of having to "compete" with their other choices. Obviously someone who doesn't use OLD could have multiple options as well, but they're much less likely to be dating like, 5 other women at once lol.


texasjoker187

I only date in the wild. I was on OLD for less than a month, but really only used it for a week. My experience and based on the many stories on the subs seems to show dating in the wild and on OLD are as different as night and day.


rebel_way

I think it depends on your goal. Do you want kids? Do you want to be married and have a life partner? If so, you can’t wait in the wings. In our increasingly digital, phone-centric society, “meet-cutes” just aren’t going to happen as much. People just stare at their phones when they’re out now, random meetings between strangers are harder to come by. If you don’t want kids, cherish independence, or you feel ambivalent about having a partner, I think it’s safe to take a backseat and accept whatever happens, happens.


ThrowedRoll

I don't think meet-cutes were ever too common. Back in the pre-internet era, people would meet at school, or work, etc., and retrospectively re-frame it as a meet-cute.


thicdogmomma

I've had 2 long-term relationships that were "meet cutes" and one short-term dating one. Let me tell you, the only difference is the story in how you met.


friedbrice

> Others, prefer to kind of let people come to them in day to day life, let the opportunity happen more naturally, could happen at work, or a grocery store. It depends. When you're trying to meet someone organically, it's a bit different if you're filling your calendar with social events vs. if you're just going to work and the store. So, I wouldn't see wanting to meet people in person as playing it passively or sitting back and letting it happen, per se. It just depends on what your "daily life" looks like.


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throwawayyyaccount82

What kind of events did you go to? Asking for a friend... 😅


jewdai

I'm looking to date people within my religion; however, while my religion is a minority religion, Jewish, I live in one of the most target-rich cities (NYC). The problem is all the dating organization target to that group tend to attract those who are modern orthodox or ultra-orthodox making it a poor experience for in-person dating. OLD has been the best for filtering out fairly quickly the right kind of Jewish person I want to be with. (Views Judiaism as a shared culture and less of a religion, but still understands the basics of it.) f OLD makes finding other jews to date easier and then once I do find them, easy to decide if we are going to mesh well. I've dated people who are more and less religious and both ends of the spectrum are not what I'm looking for. (tld; the must understand what it means to be Jewish rather than a label their parents told them they have) So far I've lucked out during quarantine and going to have a fiancee in a few weeks. SHHH DONT TELL HER. (OK she knows, she picked out the ring)


ToastyStephana

Awww I’m so happy for you!! You give me hope !


balletsb

This is exactly the same story for me, except I am in a less Jewish area so the dating pool was much smaller. I was fairly aggressive with online dating, and used it to meet other Jews outside of my immediate circle/synagogue but still within the same level of cultural/religious engagement, and was able to meet my now fiance fairly quickly. We met shortly before the pandemic and I am so grateful for OLD because I dont think our paths would have crossed otherwise, even within our relatively small Jewish community. Preemptive mazel tov to you and your almost fiancee!


Red_Danger33

I spent a long time fooled into believing "things will just happen if you live your life." Maybe that's true for a fortunate few, but most people need to live their life and make things happen, whether that's hustling on OLD or seizing opportunities out in the wild.


Able_Seesaw_8850

How the fuck do things happen "naturally"? If all you do is just wait around and hope someone will come to you, then nothing will EVER happen! Also, how do you "hustle" on OLD?


ToastyStephana

I don’t know, I work in a public space, I meet new people all day every day. I do a lot of outdoor activities, I go to the gym, I don’t know, there’s places it can happen naturally. Where someone just approaches you. I think ‘hustle’ on OLD, from what I’ve seen, is pretty much swiping and dating as much as possible, not taking breaks, just consistently meeting new people till you find the right one.


KaiokenX29

For me, I'd prefer to wait and let it happen naturally, but I've netted zero dates this way. I've only got dates by "hustling" online, but I find that exhausting and depressing to be honest. I have no idea what is best for me. I've spent many years just abstaining from dating, it feels like a waste of time to me, I'd rather listen to other people's stories.


expectingrain22

I’m active on dating apps but also open to meeting people in real life - you can do both at the same time! I only meet up with people I’m excited about, sometimes that’s 2 in a week, sometimes it’s 1 in a month or more.


ToastyStephana

Thank you for this!


datingnoob-plshelp

I’ve never met anyone in person, maybe I look unapproachable or not out there enough. So I take to OLD as my only option. I’m not super proactive persay but I put in effort and am intentional in what I’m doing.


van_morrissey

For me personally, the basic premise of the question is a bit of a misnomer: I can't think of anything that feels more unnatural to me than meeting people "in the wild" and dating them. Given how bad I am at that step, it's kinda miraculous it's happened to me at all in my life. As such, I don't really have a good answer to the question. Both online dating and building romantic connections with people when meeting in person are outside of my natural ability set, so if it's going to happen at all, I will have to actively try one way or another... Fwiw, I decided to give myself a hiatus altogether from trying until I finish up a creative hobby project I'm working on, because it's really emotion intensive, but that's a very personal reason to change plans that likely doesn't apply to many others out there.


alphawolf29

OLD is awful for average men so ive given up on it.


Hepadna

As a nonwhite plus size woman who is attractive, I meet many singles in person (or in the wild, as I call it) but not a lot interested in dating ME. OLD allows me flick through the people that are interested and that I'm interested in too. Takes some of the guessing out of the game.


LongMom

I hustled - and it eventually worked. It took 3 years and a LOT of false starts/breaks. But I know for me, I don't do as well in person! I am not a natural flirt and I had no idea how to cross over into "I like you and am available" territory. I like meeting new people and have a full life of my own, so OLD created dating opportunities for me. I made tons of mistakes, but have no regrets and learned from every single one.


VSCO_birls

Keep an OLD profile active just to say you did but put zero expectations into it. I’m a year out of an LTR so it was new to me at first... what i found is it’s a whole lotta people in bad situations if you are looking for love- cheaters, ppl just looking to explore/ experiment, ppl looking to try out a sexual fetish, ppl that just got out of a relationship but are def not ready for love yet, lonely people. Not to hate on anyone I’ve def qualified as some of those myself but honestly if you take it too seriously it just leads to misery lol. I think a better thing to do is make your life more active outside of work, with hobbies following your dreams fulfilling your life purpose etc. The right person will come along someday.


YourfavMILF1228

I feel like the older you get the less chance there is for it to just happen “naturally” not impossible but the probability goes down. I personally met the love of my life In OLD. I think the probability of meeting the right person goes up with the amount of people you connect with. Jmo tho…


jsmooth7

The way I think about is if 2 people with relationship potential both decide to take the passive route and wait for something to come to them, that relationship is never going to happen. You are more likely to get what you want if you actively work at getting it.


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Kazan

I live in the seattle area, out in the outer suburbs. If i "wait for someone to come to me" i will most likely die alone. When I get serious in the fall i'm turning on okcupid, bumble, and going to in person stuff like "Events and Adventures" events.


throwaway38371749194

I’m introverted and OLD has always worked for me. When I’m out with friends or doing one of my hobbies, I want to focus on my friends and my hobbies, not trying to find a partner. OLD allows me to separate those things. I can focus on finding a partner when I want to when it’s convenient for me. It allows me to find people I may not have otherwise met. My current relationship is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and I met my boyfriend via OLD. We happen to have hobbies in common, so would I have eventually met him in person if OLD didn’t exist? Maybe, but maybe not. But even if I would have I’m glad for any extra time meeting on OLD gave us.


Caroline_Bintley

Personally, I prefer meeting people organically. But I was also a regular member in several different social circles/scenes. So I naturally had the chance to meet a lot of different people with at least some common interests. And I've still had a profile up from time to time. OLD isn't really my thing, but it doesn't hurt to keep a line in the water. At the very least, it gives you the opportunity to meet people you never would have crossed paths with otherwise.


Total-Willow5165

All my previous relationships I met organically, mostly through friends. I've been doing OLD on and off for a while because it feels good to be proactive but I definitely don't put all my eggs in that basket. I don't think there's a right or wrong way, it's going to be different for different people.


biogirl52

I quit hustling on dating apps about a month ago. I was on a nice solo weekend trip, reading a book that really spoke to me, and immediately got up and deleted all of them. I feel so much better now, and content to meet someone out as I live life, but mostly I've made peace with being single in my 30's, just like I made peace with not having kids.


decaff_espresso

OLD for sure as I can't think of another way that I could have met my fiance (both of us are homebodies) but I did have 3 relationships evolve out of friendships (2 of them I initiated and 1 was initiated on me).


blerg91

I used to swear I would never go back online after my last relationship that was almost 5 years but at this point in life I realize how rare and hard it is to come by people you’re truly compatible with, friend wise or romantically, so I’m open to meeting people from wherever. Now on 4 apps because I’m already a quiet and private person and don’t go “out” like other people do. My hobbies and interests are pretty solo where people don’t want to be bothered. My pride has basically vanished, although I’m in no way desperate.


throwawayyyaccount82

In the past five years, I've only met one person I liked romantically outside of OLD... so if I gave up OLD altogether, I think I'd have a really tough time. I wish I could meet someone outside of OLD (don't we all?), but I really have no idea where to. People always say "hobbies and interests," but most of my hobbies include things I do with my friends—going out to restaurants with friends, game nights with friends, etc. (not even sure these really count as hobbies? It's just me socializing lol). I don't really have solo hobbies tbh...


Toast42

If you're waiting and match, it's because someone else hustled to meet you.


ItsNeverMyDay

Just like everything else in life, I hustle.


jarstintoad

I generally prefer the natural method. I don't need to be in a relationship so I'm okay with being single for long stretches of time. I find it to be a red flag if someone is a chronic dater or jumping from one relationship to the next. I value independence and prefer to meet someone who can be and enjoys being on their own, as well. That being said, I did meet my last ex from hinge. I got lucky, though. I went on dates with her and just one other person. I probably would have deleted the app soon after if nothing came from either. I'm single again and back on there but I'm not expecting much from it.


LadyWordNerd

Working from home and covid lockdowns have my interactions with strangers down to like zero and I’ll talk to anyone anywhere… the only strangers I regularly chat with are grocery store checkout people, and they are all highschool girls or women in their 50’s and 60’s no late 30’s men… Just hoping it happens without actively leaving my home to try and interact with people seems like just holding a book and hoping to absorb the knowledge without doing any reading 🤷🏻‍♀️


llamalibrarian

I don't think it has to be either/or. I've had relationships with folks I've met from OLD and I've had relationships with folks I've met IRL. I'm at the point right now where I'm kind of passively on the apps and would chat it up with someone who wows me, but I'm enjoying the world being open again and seeing my friends. So right now I'm more keen to meet someone IRL while I'm out and about catching up with friends.


fullercorp

I am one who didn't have success on OLD. The 'furthest' i got were two different dates- one guy who talked all about his ex and another that seemed decent but then no real follow up. A little failure is to be expected but where it was abject failure was that those two dates came after MONTHS on OLD. There were so few prospects: non-ghosters, serious daters, non-pervy correspondents- that those two were ALL I dared meet in person. To this day, i don't know of OLD is merely a sampling of what is out there generally (god help us) or the filtered version of the socially awkward, lonely homebodies and aggressively blunt (because: internet). BUT i also didn't have luck irl. I didn't have friends with cute brothers, or male coworkers or friends of friends to be set up with. Imo, i often wonder if it CAN be premeditated. After all, the 'how we met' stories of couples are never 'i aggressively pursued a person after crafting a list of requirements', it is 'we both stood in line at Starbucks and started chatting' \[true story of a couple i know\]. Yes, i do know some couples who met on OLD- here is one: coworker was 38, really wanted a baby so aggressively set to dating on OLD, married a dude, got her son and they have no sex life now. But she is really into that kid......so there is that.


dancefan2019

If you're not going to make much effort, you're not going to have much success, or at the very least you'll be limiting your options substantially. I'm not a fan of the laid back approach to dating. I think you need to put yourself out there in a variety of ways, including online dating, in order to maximize your chances of finding a good match. Many of the people I know found their partner through online dating. Just sayin, don't take away one of your best options out there for meeting people.


ToastyStephana

Thank you for this, I appreciate it!!


lohkey

Depends on how much of an active approach you take. If you just sit back and wait, finding a partner will never happen. The whole wait for the right one to come along is BS. OLD opens up options that wouldn't otherwise be available.


HDWendell

I'm not saying you have to use online dating but waiting around absolutely does not work for most people. The statistics are against you. You have to be willing to go out of your comfort zone and extend your dating pool or at least your sphere of influence.


FakeProfileObv

Not really answering your question, but what is OLD?


norifumi155

I left a long term relationship and thought hmm let's see and take things slow on OLD and without even trying I had pretty girls liking me and matching like crazy. I never considered myself hot but i thought this was way easier than I thought. I had girls as low at 20 after me and some of them wanted something serious and lock me down. I do watch watch what I eat, bodybuild, and have little things women want like confidence, strong jaw, good hair, dimples, so I can't relate with most guys who have trouble. My trouble has always been trying to be nice and let them down easy bc I feared marriage, kids, etc now I kind of want those things but hard to find someone worthy to trust to be a ride or die. Most girls live in the moment. I dont want to be divorced or leave a bunch of kids everywhere. I want to raise my kids right and be there for them. So even on the side of abundance it's not easy even when you know what you want


racherk

I was waiting for it to come to me for awhile until I realized that wasn't working. Then I took my mom's advice to just... go on all the dates. It wasn't non-stop or exhaustive, I definitely still 'weeded' people out via chat but I would ask to meet for coffee sooner rather than later to help gauge the chemistry. I met some really cool people, some I'm even still friends with but not too long after I started that, I pretty much met the man of my dreams. We've been together a little over 8 months now and things are still wonderful. I realize we're probably still in the honeymoon period but we're essentially living together (we both have our own places but basically just spend one week over there, then one at mine). The way we've both been upfront and honest and almost overly communicative (even about our differences) makes me feel like this one might be it for me.


StudsMulecock

I still subscribe to the notion that the universe knows best and is conspiring in my favor. I recently met someone that I desperately tried to not have feelings for but the universe is a wiley bitch sometimes and keeps screaming at me that I need to be around this guy. The guy, however, isn't getting the same cosmic nagging that I am so it's pretty fucking one sided at this point. We're good friends, the sex is great and we vibe really well but he's just not into me the way that I'm into him. Oof. I want nothing more than to just ghost him but there is a small, still voice that is pretty fucking unrelenting and who am I to argue with the universe. tl/dr: I cry in my shower a lot


pseudosympathy

I initiated conversation with almost 300 men in about eight weeks when I was on bumble. Got some good dates/hook ups out of it, made several friends, and met someone I’ve decided to pursue further to see where it goes. I enjoyed the swiping and conversations though. Some people find it exhausting or disappointing when a conversation fizzles out, but I just kept moving. Deleted the app for now but honestly I kind of miss it a little sometimes.


OnTheILS13R

I find it fascinating that you describe OLD as a "hustle." That's a description I've never considered before, but it feels pretty much spot-on. And this is a big reason why I can't be bothered anymore. My day job (which I love) is a big hustle - which means I don't have energy or emotional bandwidth for a side hustle. Besides, finding a partner should be a joy, not a job.


ToastyStephana

I actually have a day job that is quite a hustle as well. (Business owner) so I find I become more exhausted quickly while trying to maintain both online dating and my job hustle lolz


OnTheILS13R

I'm an independent consultant, so I suspect our lives are somewhat similar. ("What are these 'holidays' you speak of?" 😂) Would I be correct in guessing you find a lack of dates who understand your lifestyle? What finally broke me away from OLD was a simple ROI analysis. The average weekly cost was 3-4 hours swiping, 1-2 hours texting, and 2-4 hours on dates (including prep and commute time) plus $20-80/week over two years. In that time, I dated one person for about nine weeks (she's turned out to be an amazing friend) and one for six months (about four months longer than I should have, but the sex was great so we're now FWBs). I'm now free to invest that time and money into hobbies, friends, and/or business - all of which are more rewarding than a never-ending series of mediocre dates. That said, my biggest reward from dating - which probably would taken much longer to achieve - was clarity that I'm not a good fit for the local culture. Now the pandemic is starting to subside in most regions and things are reopening, I'm making concrete plans to move within the next few months.


ThaPhantom07

I went pretty hard on OLD in April and May but for June I basically just sent a few messages here and there and have barely looked at it and my happiness has increased considerably. I've also gotten out and met people and its been infinitely more fun and I am able to truly be myself. I am pretty much just going to skip OLD and try to get out more. Its so much better and keeps my sanity intact.


kai_wulf

I plan on finding my future wife organically. OLD makes it too easy to filter people out without knowing them. At least in person I have the opportunity to move in and strike a really good first impression.


jmttblo

I have never had success OLD... plus I prefer the story of meeting someone in real life. Rather than swiping while I pass time on the toilet


Head-Combination-299

Hustle !!!! I just met someone who is so dope. We are not calling it anything... were just enjoying each other and its worth all the weirdos prior.... the long celibacy stints... kale yeah - life is short !!! Be a babe and be out there !!!!


cuckspace

It really depends on your gender. Nothing comes to men “naturally” without putting in the work. What you perceive as “natural” is just the man setting the stage and doing the approach seemingly effortlessly from the woman’s point of view. But I guess this will be downvoted or reported because the ruling narrative is that men and women are exactly the same.


ToastyStephana

Honestly, I agree with you, I’ll be honest, I haven’t had to put the amount of work into this as the men that I’m friends with have. It’s quite natural for me to be approached, I’m lucky I guess, but maybe the thing I’m doing wrong is waiting for them to come to me. I think instead, when I’m actually interested in someone... I should pursue them.


lockwood87

I find hookups on OLD and that's it, hopefully I'll find my junkyard princess in a convenient store one day.


avfmusic

I have never met anyone in my day to day life that was even remotely interested in even platonically talking to me, let alone flirting with me, If I hadn’t s used dating apps I would never have dated anyone my whole life


pearlfectlove

From my perspective, I want to meet someone who can add to my life. Meeting naturally is a thing in the past because my two long-term relationships were formed from school or through friends of friends. I live in one of the most populated cities in the U.S. and being that most of my day is at work with students, it’s very unlikely I would meet someone naturally now. I’m an average looking woman, in my 30’s, a single parent, educated and a great communicator. My experience with OLD the past two years have brought me to the conclusion that whatever effort I put in will matter in the type of people I meet. It’s sort of 50/50 with the men that swipe on me versus when I swipe on them. When I do match, I have typically sparked the most interest with men who have a lot in common with me which includes texting/communication styles, hobbies, and family values. In my cycle of dating, I have met one person I would date every season (winter, spring, summer, and fall) because it took a few months to decide on how compatible we were and if there were long-term potential. Eventually most fizzled out because the men are usually the ones not ready for a relationship or they couldn’t communicate what they needed at the time (something casual). It wasn’t until recently, I met a guy who seems to be just as interested as I am in him. I see the most potential in him than any other person I have ever dated so I’m hopeful that this could be the person that I have spent months trying to find. I’m a positive person in life and know that what I put out will return to me in sevenfold. I wish you the same!


ToastyStephana

Wow love this, thank you for your input! This gives me hope that one day I might actually stumble across someone who likes me just as much as I like them. And we share the same values and goals.


swiftskill

I want the world to go back to normal so I can finally go back to going to social events and ditch OLD. Hinge is the only app I've had something long term from and for some reason I got shadow banned...


HehroMaraFara

If you’re attractive you wait. If you’re middling, you hustle.


HK_Gwai_Po

Depends on the individual’s circumstances. Mine: I’m in my 30s, have a great social life but all the men in my circle are gay or too old for me so I resort to OLD cos at this rate I’ll end up 80 and still waiting lol


AnxiousBeanSprout

I am, personally, done with OLD for the foreseeable future. The results just weren't worth the investment. That being said, it doesn't mean that I don't seek out other ways to meet people. I am introverted and have a lot of social anxiety so this could be hard but I can still go to places where I am introduced to a variety of people. Just because I'm not OLD doesn't mean I am not active in finding a partner.


LanaTownsend

OLD is trash. Most people would have better luck fishing in existing circles. I've had much better success (i.e. relationships) dating men I already knew through work, school or mutual friends.


ThrowDizzleMahNizzle

I've tried all approaches, and I can safely say that without a doubt, OLD is the worst way to date, in my opinioln. Regardless of how you approach it, regardless of your technique, doesn't matter if you are male or female. I think OLD is a great way to meet strangers, but its a terrible way to date them. If I were to pick up OLD again, it wouldn't be to date. It would be to meet people first, then decide if its worth a date. Even then, it makes me wary. The underlying issue with OLD is that its easy to objectify the people on there. It also gets tricky and dangerous when there is no social connection to ensure they treat you well. When you meet people through organic means, there's a much higher chance of you being connected through a social network of some kind. You frequent the same neighborhood, so you may know similar people who frequent the area. You work in the same place. You share friends. You crashed a buddy's happy hour and hit it off with their co-worker. This simply isn't the case with OLD where you can suddenly placed in proximity to a complete stranger with an entirely different network, friend, frequently visited places, coworkers, friends, interests, etc. I have personally come across really horrible situations and treatment from men off OLD and a few years later, I become connected to them socially...and guess what? That jerk, that asshole, that guy who used or manipulated me into getting what he wanted before he dumped me, hit on my friend, ditched me, or otherwise treated me like dirt? Yeah, his friends don't know him as that guy and he will go into a full fledged panic at the realization that his peers will be exposed to this side of them. People DO behave differently on OLD because they won't be held socially accountable for their decisions or how they choose to treat people, and we need to talk about this. I think the objectification of both sexes on OLD comes FROM both sexes. People feel this need to act out a fantasy through there. Men will feel the need to hunt for a younger, sexier girl than they would ever be able to land IRL and women may hunt for taller, more successful men than they would be able to ever meet IRL. People from both sexes will punish perfect strangers for their personal issues with the opposite sex.


Catlover2727

For men, you have to hustle hard all the time. This includes improving almost every aspect of your life. I seriously put in effort losing weight, better hygine, better clothing, reading more, therapy, group therapy, dance class, improv, decorating my apartment, increasing my social netowrk etc etc. It paid off, each time I got better at something in my life, or had more storeis to tell, learned more about myself I became more attractive to women. Granted I always had less than average match rates for men (me being 5'9, not white, bald, from a very poor family), I eventually found the right one. It took about 4 years though obsessing over making myself better but I got there.


ChosenSCIM

Why not both? You can hustle and be open to a more natural relationship to form.


sweetneutron

I like to think that I’m the answer to somebody’s prayer. So I’m waiting for someone to come to me naturally and match my energy. In the meantime, I’m happy in my solitude and working to become a better version of myself.


ToastyStephana

I respect this!


Whalers7997

As a guy, you have to hustle. No other way about it. It's a numbers game.


hotheadnchickn

hustle at the highest pace that is sustainable if "letting it happen" worked, we wouldn't be dating over 30


HakaishinNola

naturally, ill engage in convo until I feel the need I want more exposure to you


emiliakeeg1

>do you wait for someone to come to you? Well, not this. You can do both online dating and also go out organically. I believe that if you want something, you'll need to actively work on making it possible and not just wait passively. FWIW, I've done both off and on for a while, but online dating is taking a pause right now because things are a lil busy in life and after last year, I'm prioritizing IRL things. I don't see it as "waiting for someone to come to me" - I'm always very aware of my surroundings whenever I'm out and about and seek opportunities to meet new people (ask friends to introduce me to new friends, sign up for classes, join events at my gym, etc). I'm spending time with friends and doing things I enjoy while also proactively looking for new connections. I'm operating with a mindset that I've had quite a lot of introspection and personal growth in the past year but I also just want to catch-up on living a life and in doing so I'm putting myself out there for more opportunities. You mentioned that your city is still in lockdown, which is rough, but in your situation I think maybe a couple of weeks break might help then get back to online dating eventually - because it's likely the only way to meet people during lockdown. Once things start opening up, then you can make plans to meet people from apps, or at least get started to meeting people in the wild again.


_justsomeITguy

I like to play the field personally. I have never done OLD till recently so it doesn't hurt to try.


Obvious_Inspector_65

Neither. I am antisocial and have resigned from the dating world.


Learningtolove2021

I met my ex husband online many years ago. I am an introvert with mostly nonsocial hobbies and so after my education was complete there were few places to meet people other than work. Even if I did meet someone at a bar, I have a lot of deal breakers and you can find a lot of that info upfront on the right dating apps. It's just a different way to meet people and sort through the haystack to find your needle. I don't think we are seeing this actually happen, but ideally it would lead to better matches because people with characteristics that fit your parameters can be more easily identified earlier on.


ShrimpShackShooters_

I can't imagine two people being passive and matching/meeting each other. At least one of the two would have to be a bit more active, no?


Atanion

I hate OLD with a passion. I have no idea how to meet people in person, and am very socially awkward. But I would almost rather die a virgin than use OLD. Still, I use it, but I hate everything about it.


socialdistancing2

I’m hustling right now and it’s been fun! I was single through the whole pandemic so I feel like I’m making up for lost time. I’m putting in more effort on apps and trying to respond faster and have better conversations, and I’m also meeting people I normally wouldn’t have thought were my type. I’ve also put it out to all my friends that I’m looking to be set up, and that’s resulted in a “blind date” this week (I’ve seen his photo though lol). I’ve definitely been through phases where all of this is just exhausting and depressing and that’s when I know it’s time to take a break. But as I said, right now it’s fun and enjoyable to be on the market so to speak.


Previous-Ad-6769

Ya know, I’m 30, already have 2 kids, (10 and 13) and I go back and forth. I’ll feel impatient and use tinder etc., but the people I’ve talked to on the apps never want to converse much and they just want to sleep with me ASAP. So since I don’t want that I go back to just chillin and waiting for something to come along naturally. And honestly I’ve never actually had any type of relationship with a person from an app. I really like meeting someone in the wild and letting the chemistry build naturally. It also helps that I have a fwb while I wait out this process. Otherwise I think I’d like someone, when I actually just want them sex. I’m having a hard time finding someone who’s stable and wants a house and crap. But I’m happy how I am now, so I’m absolutely in no rush


hwheels24

That’s a tough one. When your head is right, and you’re in a great place in life…things will domino and fall into place. Put some effort into it, but don’t stress yourself out if you aren’t going out every weekend. Find a mew project to do, or start an online business. You’ll never know what your next experience might lead to. I would say try to limit your time looking online. I definitely stressed myself out for years, and I don’t think it was the right way to go. I’ve been doing online dating for over a decade. Had a few gf’s of a (in my mind) a significant time. Over that time, I’ve met about a hundred different women. I used to think it was a waste of time and money, but not anymore. I’ve learned something from each and every one of them. I’ve been looking for marriage all of those years, but I look back on it…I wasn’t ready for marriage. I think I am now. Hopefully that offers a different perspective


ToastyStephana

It does thank you! I actually own a business so, I already spend a lot time on that lol!


hwheels24

That’s great! I wish I took more advantage of my state’s lockdown to develop more of an online presence for my business. But what’s, done is done! Best of luck to you in both arenas!


therubyempress

I had a much older man hit on me and try to ask me out while I was browsing the cat treats one time. Guess I have that stereotypical crazy, single, cat lady thing down. I was saved when my fiancé called me to add to the shopping list. It was quite an awkward experience, and I did my best to keep fiancé on the phone long enough for the man to walk away. This experience was especially creepy, though, because I am often told I look like a teenager and this man had to be late 50s-early 60s. It makes my skin crawl to wonder if he thought I was 17-19 when I am actually in my 30s.


yinkeys

Time flies fast. Keep waiting


YoungLinger

OLD doesn’t work for average or ugly guys. Really, nothing does except alcohol lol. I can’t blame women, I’d only date hot chicks if the supply of women and men were reversed.


tonotbesingle

I don't think there's any right way to go.. that said I'm really glad I went on a bunch of OLD dates until I met my girlfriend. We've been together 1 year. Thanks Bumble!!


supertoad2112

I went 14 years being single. Had a handful of first dates, but nothing ever came of them. I was using OLD apps for well over 2 years before I got my first date. Since then I've gotten better at initiating and am currently in my 3rd relationship that has been initiated via OLD apps. I cant tell you if it is a way to find a permanent partner, but I feel more on the path to that now than I did 3 years ago.


screwyou22_

I hear a lot of people mentioning that “OLD is the new dating reality and that honestly if we want to ACTUALLY succeed at meeting and finding the right person, that online dating is a necessary evil.” (Not quoting anyone directly, just paraphrasing the main idea). And while I definitely see the point to what they’re saying (and yes, I have done A LOT of online dating 😑), doesn’t everyone also start to feel like, that despite it being the “new norm” for meeting someone, that something is inherently SERIOUSLY FLAWED about it? 🥺 I feel serious SERIOUS discouragement and honestly feel like the prospects of single people these days actually finding love are slimmer than EVER! And yet! From what I hear, more and more people are SINGLE! So there are TONS of us out there, and yet, we can’t seem to meet, fall in love, and be happy! 😫 WHY!? I don’t know the answer. But it makes me VERY SAD. I’ve heard a lot of good reasons that I think ALL contribute… like the whole “swipe culture”… So MANY options at our disposal it’s like EVERYONE becomes disposable or like we can find someone better. Or sometimes it’s like that bar scene from “A Beautiful Mind” where all the guys go after the same girl and they block each other so no one “wins”, than if each person was just pairing off with one person. (And that example is my own fault, and I’m ADMITTING that, because I’ve learned the hard way that that’s why I can’t be trying to talk to 20 different guys at once… I get so freaking overwhelmed I just quit all together.) I think another HUGE flaw with OLD is I have learned the ABSOLUTE hard TRUTH that you honestly HAVE NOT MET THEM UNTIL YOU PHYSICALLY MEET THEM. You can THINK you know a lot about this person and their potential as a match for you… hahaha!!! But no. You have no clue until you actually MEET. I’ve experienced this over and over and over. People for some reason are WAY different in text or even over the phone, or even YES on VIDEO than they are in PERSON! It’s SO WEIRD! But I have found this to hold true every damn freaking time. Lately, the most painful outcome has been only meeting and clicking with men who live thousands of miles away and it becomes impossible that I’ll ever actually meet them in person. And with that, refer to my previous comment 😑😫. Last issue I have with OLD is that I think people are judging each other TOO much by their physical appearance. Yes, attraction MATTERS, but I’ve found and heard from others that whether you’re not very physically attractive or extremely physically attractive that’s ALL people are judging you by. And attraction, REAL ATTRACTION, beyond just lust, has a lot more to do than with just looks… It’s how they sound, how they smell, how they feel standing next to you, their aura, how they move and carry themselves! Because of this… I realize that I really have no damn clue, honestly, any more than before I read a single profile knowing who I’d actually be attracted to and not attracted to! We’d honestly be better off just closing our eyes and picking someone at random and just MEETING. (Of course I exaggerate, because sure, a couple “filters” like an age range etc could help) but my point is, honestly beyond this, we really do not know. - At least this has been my personal experience. I’ve thought I had this strong attraction with a guy, in personality, in interests etc, but then we meet in PERSON and it’s like it couldn’t be further from the truth! It’s bizarre, and very frustrating.