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to3920-002dhll2

I would consider myself "kinky" but like I don't have the time or energy to put on a show for bed times. Most of my sex is "vanilla" and I really enjoy being a sub when the time and person is right, and I'm fairly open minded to my partner's needs and exploring within reason. Can I rant? Maybe this is a fatal flaw but anyone who puts this out on their profile is almost always a "no" for me, I assume sex is an important part of compatibility for them, it should be - but I'm more like interested in getting to know them as a person before I decide I want to get to know them sexually. If sexually we aren't compatible, then oh well. It hurts but I've gotten through it. There's the alternative of getting to know someone you are sexually compatible with and then finding out they are a garbage person. It's way worse that way.


deviantkink

It IS way worse that way :/ The most toxic person to ever enter my life was also the best sex I've ever had. Not worth it.


to3920-002dhll2

Oh same. I’m still heartbroken to this *day* but it gets easier and easier each month.


anonymous_opinions

Also same. I wonder if being toxic as a human is what amplified the sex aspect sometimes.


to3920-002dhll2

charismatic narcissists are the best in bed x.x I’m sorry you feel this way too


anonymous_opinions

Hard to go back down to normal people sex after those types hit me :(


hailmarythrow123

It's called Spark. You know, that thing everyone is looking for.


nubus

Ugh amen to that… I don’t know how I endured the year.


Obvious_Inspector_65

Same. Sex isn't worth the constant hurting emotionally.


legice

I honestly had the same. Sex was fantastic and yet vanilla. When she became more comfortable, I got less, as she wanted things I legit didnt want or felt uncomfortable. The worse one was a position, where my dick kept falling out. Turns out, Im not as girthy/long as its required for that move


Beau-90

Honestly!! Why are toxic people ALWAYS good in bed?


notexcused

I think the emotional rollercoaster makes the sex feel better than it was technically. Could be off base though.


MegaManXanax

There are definitely toxic people who are bad in bed


hailmarythrow123

High five! Let's make a club!


LostMyKarmaElSegundo

> Can I rant? Is ranting your kink? ;)


to3920-002dhll2

HONESTLY YES?


anonymous_opinions

Now I want "ranting is my kink" on a needlepoint.


Amenian

I agree! If it’s that important, head over to FL! Don’t put that on your Tinder bio.


mit_schmackes

I assumed FL stood for Florida and started wondering why it would be full of kinky people, but these replies make me think I'm missing something.


sr_cachorrao

Florida is full of kinky people, but yeah they're talking about a kink centric social site


PrncssGmdrp

FL is not a dating site and is designed to make it hard to search for people in that capacity. Not impossible, but it’s not assisted or encouraged by the design. We all are allowed our priorities. I know any mention is risky in a profile, but it is the most efficient filter I have and it’s nothing vulgar. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.


anonymous_opinions

Tons of people date off FL. It's not designed to be a dating site but it's easy to connect with others on there for the purposes of dating.


to3920-002dhll2

It’s totally fine to use it, I’m just one person’s opinion, like attracts like so it may bring the perfect person to you


anonymous_opinions

I'm dating someone from FL actually. Technically he's from the OLD apps but we reconnected thanks to FL.


anonymous_opinions

Dating on FL is worse than dating on Tinder by 100 miles.


Amenian

I definitely don’t disagree!


ImPlayingARogueAgain

Sorry I am kinda out of the loop these days but What is FL?


Amenian

FL = Fetlife.


Rider_01

I don't see it as a problem, what if you spent a few months with a person only to find out that the boring sex you have been having isn't nerves or just getting used to the person? You have wasted all that time with someone you aren't compatible with. I see this no different than when someone states thier political affiliations on thier profile.


to3920-002dhll2

You just break up with them. It's fine. Honestly bad sex will detach me from someone pretty quickly even if there were emotions. Good sex attaches me fast and I always get entangled with bad people when this happens.


metalhammer69

I’ve never thought about it that way. I have always been upfront on my profile (mainly okcupid) that sexual compatibility is extremely important to me. I have a high(er) libido, and I like to think this screens out people who either a) have a low libido or b) are sex negative in some way. This is all just in the questions section where it straight up asks you questions like “how often ideally would you and your partner have sex” or “are you kinky” So you would recommend being much more… modest in the profile (and questions), and then bringing up the topic somewhere early on that feels right in the dating process? I never thought this would drive **everyone** away


Caroline_Bintley

OKC's questions seem like the ideal place to mention this kind of thing. People won't even see your answer to a question unless they've also answered it.


to3920-002dhll2

I’m very sex positive and HL female but it would turn me off to read about sex on an OKC profile personally, I’d expect they’d be a hook up. I’m just one person though, I do look at the kinky and sex drive questions in OKC though and like another commenter said, if you have them answered then someone else who answered can see.FWIW I am only one humans opinion, it could be the right approach for what you want to attract.


anonymous_opinions

I live in a city where the men are all HL and kinky in some way. Also open to pretty much anything. That said okcupid helped me most of all in my search for kinky partners.


TheUnconsoled

I used to have a nod to being kinky in my profile, but all it got me was either predatory über-Doms or guys who thought doggy style was kinky. And a bunch of boring conversations about sex with people I didn’t know if I was attracted to, let alone if I wanted them to treat me horribly. Now, I don’t really talk much about kink until we’ve had vanilla sex first. I might hint at it if I think they’re receptive, but vanilla sex can be fucking hot with the right people and I think it’s a good litmus test to see if you want to explore kinkier things together. After all, kink takes trust so why rush into it? But really kink means many different things to people. I’m not terribly into the sadism/masochism stuff, for example, which is what most people think of when they think of BDSM. I enjoy some pretty fucked up shit, but my Domme friend who likes playing with needles and blood and fire and electricity thinks I’m a big baby. I’m okay with that. We’re both kinky, but looking for very different things.


anonymous_opinions

>playing with needles and blood and fire and electricity Mostly all nopes from me as well.


danbalt

> but vanilla sex can be fucking hot with the right people and I think it’s a good litmus test to see if you want to explore kinkier things together. After all, kink takes trust so why rush into it? I really agree with this. I do say I'm "in to kink", in passing on my dating profiles. The reason I added that is it does put off people who are wholly not in to it. And I've had a few too many relationships that were sexually unfulfilling as a consequence of not being up front. But I never make it part of an approach and by and large I don't bring it up with partner until after I've seen if we're sexually compatible with regular ol' sex.


Caroline_Bintley

People have such wildly different kinks that you won't know until you discuss it.


jakeysnakey83

Yeah this is very true. Just curious I guess what assumptions people make. I guess it warrants a conversation.


Caroline_Bintley

Assume they're putting it out there so that people uninterested in any kink can self select out, and fellow kinksters know it's up for discussion.


anonymous_opinions

Having a nod to kink on my dating profile in the past meant a lot of kink-friendly dates. I left the apps single so ymmv for OP here.


Caroline_Bintley

I mentioned kink in the answers to my OKC questions, but none of my matches ever mentioned them. But this was in a large West Coast city, so matching kinksters was as easy as matching introverts in STEM. (Ah, my demographic.)


anonymous_opinions

A yes, West Coast introverts in STEM who are kinky is my demographic. Add chubby and bearded to it for the ultimate combo breaker.


Caroline_Bintley

I seem to catch them on the upswing, just as they're pushing past the anxiety that's held them back in the past and realizing they could play the field. But you know what they say: if you love the butterfly, set it free. If it comes back, it was yours. If it doesn't, you can still appreciate the cosplay photos it shares from PAX.


anonymous_opinions

>If it doesn't, you can still appreciate the cosplay photos it shares from PAX. Well this is why you're my favorite person here.


Caroline_Bintley

Aww, shucks. I'm still looking forward to PDX Post Pandemic Pies.


anonymous_opinions

I'm 100% vaxed so anytime you want to come hang out I'll be here! :D


rando-3456

Legit, I am soooo ready for cons to be a thing again. Going into this con season *hurt* I'm up in Canada, *hello from Victoria!* , so it's going to be a bit till we can join you guys again, but I cannot wait!


anonymous_opinions

Going to cons would be a first for me whenever the world is back to business as usual but I got super into collecting anime figures in 2020 so now I have a purpose. Plus I'd love to do some level of cosplay.


XSmooth84

> Fellow Kinksters A real one knows it's Kinkanese


Caroline_Bintley

Kinkenase : an enzyme that cleaves hemp rope


XSmooth84

Yeah...rope, cleavage...it fits. That's totally what I was going for.


hailmarythrow123

My theory on profiles: You have a finite amount of space to talk about yourself. Anything you say should be viewed as very, very important to your life (and counter to that, use that space wisely and share things that are very, very important to your life). If someone says they are kinky, into kink, my mind (even as a guy) rushes to full on bdsm and the more extreme side of kinky. I would consider myself kinky, but more in the "I'm open to exploring non-vanilla with a trusted partner" kind of kinky, not blood, pain, etc., but I'll generally pass on anyone who puts kinky in their profile.


mageyes

For me, “kinky” would be having non-starfish sex with a partner who will occasionally and enthusiastically initiate. Just reading what I typed made me realize that I *really* need to get back out into the world.


Caroline_Bintley

Oh, there are also lazy, selfish kinky people put there. Just like there are people who can be passionate, generous, and attentive while keeping it vanilla. I hope you find a good partner, no matter what you're into.


mageyes

I’ll begin searching after my self imposed hiatus comes to an end.


anonymous_opinions

Hey I have dated the lazy selfish kinky man too. I need a bingo card.


Plusqueca

I can see this going both ways, honestly. Kink explicitly on a profile is a red flag for me (I’m a woman primarily interested in men). There are way, WAY too many guys who say they’re “dom” but really they just hate women. I like having kinky sex and trying new things, but I agree with the other comment here that said vanilla sex can be used as a sort of litmus test. If we don’t have good vanilla sex, I’m not interested in any other type of sex. As for the merits of signaling kink on a dating app, I’m not interested in being anyone’s kink professor and I’m not interested in being with someone who doesn’t have a personal interest in trying new things sexually. So, I can see how signaling on an app would help prevent those experiences. However, I can generally tell based on personality type if someone will be compatible with me sexually (their level of sensation seeking and openness to new experiences, for example) so I don’t feel the need to signal on my profile(s).


Disastrous-Current-6

I've never met a man who said he was kinky that wasn't a hard pass because of him ignoring normal social boundaries. I believe that as long as everyone is a consenting adult, let your freak flag fly. But I have had complete strangers ask me everything from will I pee on them to do I want to watch them do a farm animal. No, I'm not kidding, I wish I was. If you're just looking for someone to do a specific thing because that's your kink, I'm not your girl because what I'm interested in vastly varies based on who my partner is.


LostMyKarmaElSegundo

Can I just say how dumb it is that we associate "vanilla" with boring. Vanilla beans come from an ancient species of orchid and are actually quite fragile and difficult to harvest. It's one of the most complex flavors in the world, as well as one of the most popular. It's one of those idioms that doesn't make sense and makes me irrationally upset! :)


XSmooth84

I wish I had wom vanilla bean ice cream right about now


pelargonium_

Thank you for this! It really gets to me too! I literally just bought vanilla extract 30 min ago and my shopping companion balked at the price. Tried to explain how the orchids are hand pollinated blah blah blah but it just seems that people are committed to the idea of vanilla being a very basic, boring thing. Unfortunate!


SillyName1992

Vanilla is also wildly popular and easy to mix. Terrible analogy if we are trying to make it seem like a shameful thing.


danbalt

While I agree with this rant it's not really the case that vanilla is a very complex flavour. The flavour of vanilla is almost entirely down to the presence of vanillin and people are incapable to distinguishing synthetic vanillin from vanilla extract once it is cooked in to a recipe. It is a somewhat subtle flavour but that's not really that same thing as complex


Kazan

supertaster here.. challenge accepted :D


mlhuculak

It’s when you compare vanilla as an ice cream to all of the other more interesting flavors. That is where vanilla sex comes from. I appreciate your support for vanilla though. I agree, on it’s own, it’s a very interesting ingredient!


LostMyKarmaElSegundo

I guess I'm a Vanilla Stan! 🤣


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Agreed!


Fleeting_pepperoni

I'm curious what others' experiences are as well. Mine has been that anyone who puts "dom/daddy dom/service dom" etc. on a vanilla dating profile is hiding their controlling and abusive behaviour behind "dominant" status. It's a specific kink and not just a sta dloneeinton of kink, but I think it's relevant here. It's in the same vein as "sarcasm" being code for "passive aggressive and unable to communicate like an adult". I'm kinky myself, so no shade thrown to other kinksters. It just seems like someone's boundaries of discussing it are loose enough to out it on a pretty public forum (do you really want your dental hygienist, barista and lawyer knowing what you do with your junk?) then it isn't really intimate or about intimacy at all- it's a preoccupation. In my experience folks like this have poor BDSM manners towards things like consent, compression etc. So I swipe left on open mentions of kink or sex on profiles.


TJCheeze

This is my experience as well. The worst time, a guy I dated for a few months claimed to be a Dom, but then literally threw a tantrum when I set a boundary. I'm also very upfront about the nonverbal ways I give and revoke consent so when we're having sex early on we don't need to have the actual conversation. This guy could not read my cues at all, even after explicitly telling him the code.


Fleeting_pepperoni

I'm sorry that happened to you. I can echo this, it's really disappointing and not dominant at all. It's insecure tantrum behaviour.


anonymous_opinions

It's important to "have the conversation" either before the sex or after the sex. Ideally having the conversation happens on both ends and sometimes during sex.


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Yep. The guy I talked to didn’t even have that on his profile but brought it up within a day. Talked over me on the phone constantly during the one call we had, once I didn’t stop talking just to see when he would get the hint and let me finish, and it ended up in talking over each other for a good solid minute. Also liked to talk in detail about the people he killed when he was in the military. 🤮


subgirlygirl

I've found most people who put 'kinky' on a profile absolutely are not. (Unless you consider anal or a slap on the ass kinky.) It's the quiet ones you have to keep an eye on. They're the ones with an extra room with two locks on the door.


CaptainTrips1919

A lot of people out there think "kinky" is just shorthand for, I am going to ignore your boundaries.


subgirlygirl

Domly McDompants™


nomellamesprincesa

That's generally what I interpret it as when I see it on a profile.


seriousbizniz84

Me also


anonymous_opinions

Hey I met some of those men.


Amenian

Those poor sweet summer children


CaptainTrips1919

I feel more sorry for the people they sleep with...


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Yep.


SoftWednesday

Yup


19ellipsis

I think a lot of people have watched 50 Shades and assume that's considered being heavily into kink (disclaimer - I have no watched 50 Shades but my mom described it to me as "aside from some handcuffs and ropes it was nothing special" which was an....odd conversation...to say the least). I am into a decent amount of kink stuff and I don't trust anyone with it in their profile unless it's also accompanied by photos of them in shibari or latex or something.


DaughterEarth

Seriously every person I've been with who was worried about their kinks has turned out to really be vanilla. Like I said in my direct reply I'm pretty sure these people are actually just trying to say their goal is sex.


Snowbirdy

Yeah I have no desire to be on FL but also don’t feel comfortable putting ‘not vanilla but not into edgeplay either’ on my profile. Like, there’s a broad range of things I am happy with and it’s not like I have a fetish so I can be totally fine in a relationship that runs mild, but also happy in one that runs muy caliente. I guess it’s the old trial and error path. There was one woman who seemed really conservative when I first met her. By the second date it was clear she was very kinky, and by the 5th it was clear I was taking the lead into some territory new even for me. That was interesting. It definitely shows that you cannot judge based on first impressions.


LostMyKarmaElSegundo

A lot of people do think of anal as kinky, in my experience


anonymous_opinions

anal isn't vanilla, lol


Mikiesox

Made me think of anal and chocolate thanks.


[deleted]

[удалено]


rando-3456

>I’d say risky and potentially injurious. You can more easily contract STDs through anal sex, incontinence can develop, as well as tearing and hemmroids. Men can also get infections from fecal matter getting in the urethra. Eventually you can have an anal prolapse, which many pornstars suffer from; it’s so common it has its own genre of porn called “rosebudding”. Only if you do it *the wrong way*. As the commenter below me said, there are plenty of women who enjoy anal, safely(!!) Without any pain, or injury. Just like all other types of sex, you should be using condoms. Yes there can be extra prep involved for some women, some not. This whole paragraph is strictly your opinion. And quite frankly sex shaming. Do better. >A man expecting anal sex regularly really doesn’t care about your well-being. Well anyone **expecting** any type of sex from you doesn't care about your well being. But again, there is nothing wrong with anal sex. Beyond disappointmented in this entire garbage comment.


epsilon9993

She said there are studies about this. So maybe show some studies that show the opposite instead of calling it garbage. We didn't learn anything from your comment.


anonymous_opinions

Let us bring in some queer men into this comment thread to weigh in on the dangers of "regular anal sex".


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Not all gay men have anal sex. Just saying.


rando-3456

Exactly!!! Like idk what this commenter is going on about, and I don't want to talk anyone out of using condoms but HIV in straight people is quite low. (Yes I looked it up before posting my second comment in this thread but I don't support unsafe sex so I'm not going to link it, for both Canada, my country, and the US, which the majority of Reddit users are).


rando-3456

OP just stereotyped a bunch of downright harmful, sex negative and frankly outdated / toxic view points. Remember anal was / still is in some places illegal. OP should have named those studies if OP thought they were so important. Anyone who's listened to even a basic sex positive sex Ed course knows there is absolutely nothing wrong with safe anal sex. It's not 1904. Lube. Wear a condom. Go slow. Communicate. The point of my comment was not to teach. But just to acknowledge how someone can have such an awful view of sex. I actually feel bad for OP. Clearly there is either pain they've had through inexperience or shame they've been taught.


plotdevice

THANK YOU for fighting the good fight. I used to give sex positive sex ed talks - this shamey (and outdated) info about anal sex being bad needs to go. It's also incredibly heteronormative. Safer compared to what, exactly? Also.. just because no one has pointed it out... while prolapse/etc can happen, you know the most dangerous thing people with wombs can experience that PLENTY of partners and society seem to expect as the norm? Child birth. It has killed countless people. And when it doesn't kill you, it can cause: anal leakage, torn vulvas, partial or complete separation of the ab muscles, infected scar tissue, hemorrhoids, hair loss, bone density loss, tooth loss and on and on. Oh, and that's something your body is "designed" to do. So let's stop acting like the things that are "natural" for our bodies are superior or even good for our overall health. Also, no one says that your partner "doesn't care about you" if they are pro-child. That entire comment is based on bunk/old science, heteronormative garbage and sexism.


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Childbirth isn’t a natural thing our bodies are designed to do?


plotdevice

I'm not sure I understand your response? I'm saying childbirth is a natural thing people with wombs' bodies are designed to do - and that doesn't make it any safer/healthier of an activity. So that whole argument about anal sex not being "natural" or our bodies not being "designed" for it and therefore it not being "safe" is silly. Plenty of natural things we're designed to do are shitty (word play intended).


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Your post seems to imply women’s bodies do not inherently have ways to protect itself from the dangers of childbirth. There are many things that happen during birth that assist a delivery. Also, the complications you list regarding childbirth have statistics and they are not something every woman, or even most women, experience.


epsilon9993

from here, the first link I clicked: [https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/hiv-transmission/ways-people-get-hiv.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/hiv-transmission/ways-people-get-hiv.html) "Anal sex is the riskiest type of sex for getting or transmitting HIV." Definitely does not help your argument tbh.


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Thank you for actually making an educated effort to get the facts. Anal sex puts you at higher risk for ALL STDs, not just HIV.


epsilon9993

Yeah, I'm not sure why no one is showing any resources if it's true then. I personally don't care about what the outcome is. I care about knowing what the truth is, and so far this thread is just a bunch of opinions with not much backing them up..


rando-3456

Ofcourse, HIV is more easily transmitted through anal, but that's not what OP said, what they said was, "more easily contract STDs (which STD even is an outdated term of atleast 15 plus years to my knowledge, once again showing this person clearly isn't the most knowledgable) and not " *more easily contracted HIV* ". Also, who is having unprotected sex, without getting tested? HIV in a partner should **not** come as a surprise, frankly no STI should. They made so many claims (below) yet didn't back anything up! My comment as I said was not an argument but shock and dismay that someone can be so uneducated or shamed into beliefs on a subject that should have no shame surrounding it. *Don't yuck my yum* , if you will.. > -I’d say risky and potentially injurious. > >-you can more easily contract STDs through anal sex, > >-incontinence can develop, > >-as well as tearing and hemmroids. > >-Men can also get infections from fecal matter getting in the urethra. > >-Eventually you can have an anal prolapse, > >-which many pornstars suffer from; > >-it’s so common it has its own genre of porn called “rosebudding”.


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Plenty of stds, which is not outdated terminology and is used widely by healthcare professionally, don’t have symptoms. Until they’ve done damage, permanently. Especially in women.


19ellipsis

As a healthcare professional working in sexual health - no it is not used and yes it is outdated. It might be used by GPs who graduated pre-2000 but not actually anyone in sexual health (and for the record most of the older GPs I know use STI). Also re: symptoms - that's why we advocate for regular checking even for those who don't have symptoms. If someone is going to engage in condomless sex of any sort they should know the other person's STI status and the only way to know that is through a recent test. Claiming "many have no symptoms" isn't a great argument because you should be testing regularly regardless of symptoms.


TheUnconsoled

She said there were studies but didn’t actually cite any. The burden of proof is on her to support her claims, not the other way around.


epsilon9993

He made claims too :)


TheUnconsoled

Claiming “anal sex repeatedly over time *will* result in some loss of stool control” (emphasis mine) is a pretty bold claim to make without proof. I didn’t see any claims from the other commenter that were nearly so bold. Her bias is pretty evident by claiming that anal is something that men expect from women instead of something that two people can enjoy together and find mutually pleasurable. Is porn a destructive influence on sexual behaviour across society? Of course. Is it possible for women to genuinely enjoy anal sex? Also of course. People have been enjoying anal since we figured out where babies come from. There is a higher risk of STDs (some of which is linked to lower condom usage with anal sex) but claiming long-term physiological damage is an inevitable consequence of anal sex is irresponsible.


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

I said psychological damage if your partner is pressuring you. Ffs, does anyone read a post before going off on it? 🤦🏼‍♀️


rando-3456

I'm a lady! :)


EatKluski

The onus is on her to support her claims with studies (which we haven't seen). \+1 for calling that comment absolute garbage btw.


Assurgavemeabrother

>I’d say risky and potentially injurious There are techniques to decrease the chance of negative consequences. It's not like those who are into r/realscatgirls where you can contract a dangerous disease just by the nature of the kink (i.e. you cannot "protect" yourself or a partner, the kink *is* danger).


LostMyKarmaElSegundo

> A man expecting anal sex regularly really doesn’t care about your well-being. Well, since I'm a heterosexual man, if he's expecting anal sex regularly from me, things have already gone awry! :) From reading over at r/sexover30 it seems that quite a few women really enjoy anal sex regularly. They discuss the precautions and preparation they undergo. No one should ever force or even pressure someone to perform a sex act they aren't comfortable with.


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

I guess it depends on what we mean by regularly. Anal sex repeatedly over time will result in some loss of stool control. There are studies you can look into. How much this impacts a persons life varies, of course. But the anus is not designed for things to go in (your muscles contract the opposite way, there is no natural lubrication, except for feces that sticks to the walls of your anus unless you do an enema repeatedly and don’t eat for a certain amount of time prior to). The fact that anal sex is such a common practice is really shocking to me, but it has become more normalized in couples bedrooms as it has been less taboo in porn.


MfPrincesses

I do think anal is kinky hehe. Maybe It's because I dont know many people that do it. My ex (M)for exemple, didnt like to experiment this with me (F). He thought is was weird. Idk


anonymous_opinions

Been lucky enough to find men with nods to kink on their online dating profile who have dumped all their toys on the bed in front of me or started things out in non-vanilla ways in bed almost immediately. I like naturally dominant men so they tend to show up on the first date with that energy though.


jakeysnakey83

Fascinating


anonymous_opinions

My "luck" was a mutual interest in this stuff and not something I wouldn't want to happen.


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

Toys they used on other women? That’s disgusting


danbalt

Leather cuffs, (non-genital) ropes, crops, floggers etc... are expensive. Few folk can go around replacing all that kit between each partner and most kinky folk understand that. Of course genital and anal toys you would typically use on multiple folk but these also tend to be the kinds of things that people have their own to use. Some vibrators are very expensive but it's perfectly possible to practice good safe sex practices with those if your partner is happy with it.


anonymous_opinions

Yes you can't ever use a condom on a toy, clean it or otherwise practice good habits.


XSmooth84

I knew someone was going to claim that if you don't pretend to be a freshly hatched Emu, it doesn't count as "real kink".


subgirlygirl

Were you running for a bus when you typed that? It's nowhere near as clever as you thought...lol 😆


XSmooth84

That's your perspective. From *my* perspective the Jedi are evil.


Caroline_Bintley

Referencing the prequels?! Found the masochist. 😥


XSmooth84

So uncivilized


frown_dispenser

>Just curious what the expectations are in a post-pandemic summer 2021. I'm going to guess the expectations will be overly inflated, wildly exaggerated, and ultimately disappointing.


jakeysnakey83

I’m in Chicago though, it’s pretty fun here


CaptainTrips1919

It could be anything. It's a huge spectrum. Anything from a spanking now and then to... other extremes. There's no way to know without communication.


NamelessBard

It doesn't matter what "people" consider kinky, it matters what the **person** considers kinky. To some people, that may mean sex with the lights on and to others that could mean getting peed on, and to others, it could mean getting physically harmed. In general, you can assume they mean something more than missionary sex. That's about it.


DMmeDuckPics

I'm ok with the second two, the first one is a red though.


EatKluski

This is exactly why I sometimes wonder why people bother putting that in their profile. Someone who grew up in a sexually repressed culture will have a very different kink spectrum to someone who grew up in say Sweden (no shade to Swedes lol). I only have a single biggish kink and reactions to it have ranged from being utterly repulsed and calling it unacceptable to "but that's basically vanilla" \*shrug\*


goodonlasers

I just re-worked my tinder profile and put the phrase “not vanilla” in it. I never have before because I agree with some of the takes about it being off putting. However, sex positivity, sex, and being with a person who is not in the throes of intense repression are all extremely important to me. You can totally have sex you consider “vanilla” and not be repressed, of course! However, my enjoyment is best fulfilled when my weirdness matches someone else’s well, and is particularly and specifically a big turn on for them. Yes, I’ll have more ... direct? Sex with someone to get to know and trust them, but long term, I don’t want that - I want my kinks to really really work for them. I decided it was the best way to signal that in a small amount of characters without revealing too much about myself immediately. I’m happy to talk about sex, but I’m Not interested in being hyper specific about my desires and feelings unless I’m at a more intimate point with someone. Alas! However, I have also now stated in my profile I’m not interested in dating straight men at the moment, so that cures a lot of the “magnet for abusive fake dom” types issues from the get go. Maybe it is a little different for queers? Idk, I hate to think I’m coming off as try hard or dismissive/rude/judgy or bring sifted out ... but in the end I can’t control it and I’m Trying this out. This is indicative of the overall pain of OLD. It’s not about finding people who like your thing it’s about reading how people choose to present themselves about certain things and then reading through what that choice of self representation may or may not indicate based on our experiences, which don’t get a chance to be challenged or overcome by a persons demeanor, presence, or anything else.


EatKluski

I used to have something similar in my profile way back when and ended up dating a guy. He turned out to be completely vanilla but one of those types who consider themselves "up for anything" i.e. he expected me to do all the work, all the time. I ended up initiating 100% of our sex and being repeatedly kink-shamed by this guy who was really invested in self-identifying as GGG but who said hell no to everything... smh How is it going with finding bi guys btw? I'd love to date a bi guy but so far haven't had much luck finding them on the apps in free mode.


goodonlasers

I have had a couple of dates with guys who didn’t identify themselves as bi, but then after getting to know eachother explained that they’d had sex with men and enjoy it, so I mean listen ID yourself as you like but ... friend I think ya might be bi, lol. I also had an open, low key / LDR with a v bi guy for a long time and disclosed that in my bio, so I think that detail did a lot of filtering work for me, not necessarily in a good way. I’ve mainly found straight men on the apps, which is why I wanted to bluntly filter it out. I just ... can’t date straight people anymore.


sQueezedhe

Some people think that 'kink' can be an excuse for violence or being an utter shit. I'd rather see what happens with the date than predicate anything with any bedroom assumptions.


rowshambow

Sometimes I have sex with the lights on. Or on a Monday.


jurqface

Woah boy, you’re getting spicy on here.


rowshambow

Too far?


GoldenStrawberry69

in my experience, men who openly talk about their "kinks" are just using it as an umbrella term / convenient excuse to be an abusing "partner". I steer clear of people like that.


SillyName1992

I have never met a self-proclaimed kinkster who didn't end up being boring to average. All the super kinky people I know hold off on that kind of conversation until it's appropriate... like when someone asked. And I hate that vanilla is such a blanket term that carries this stigma. "Vanilla" to me is just very familiar and comfortable sex that requires little effort or variation. Like, who wants the opposite of that? Lol Also, as a female, I notice a disturbing number of men on apps who use kink as a guise for just wanting to be aggressive towards women. I scroll through dirty r4rs all the time, or back in my tinder days even, I saw countless profiles that said "very kinky, likes include slapping, hair pulling, choking, etc" totally ignoring there's large subgroups of kink that have zilch to do with physical control or violence.


jakeysnakey83

What’s r4r?


SillyName1992

There'a subreddits for dating, sex and the like- dirtyr4r and r4r being a couple


DaughterEarth

I think I'd agree with you? I'm in to some interesting things but not so much I've felt the need to put that in my profile, since I've never been with someone who wasn't down to try more than just missionary. And yah some of my fun ideas are pretty out there, still never have needed to put that in my profile. I don't need the more weird things, they're just fun sometimes, and again most people I've been with are down to at least try. Worst response is someone who really did not like being dominant. OH NO except not actually, sex was still good. I guess I'd be a little weirded out by someone pointing out they're kinky right in their profile. That seems like sex is the goal over anything else.


chiclibrarian23

Am I reading this right? You haven't ever had a partner interested in anything other than missionary?


DaughterEarth

haha nooo. That sentence means anyone I've been with has been interested in more than missionary


chiclibrarian23

Dear lord, I read that wrong. I was like this poor poor person.


DaughterEarth

lmao yah that would be a seriously lacking sex life


anonymous_opinions

Dated a guy like that (missionary penetration silent sex only) and he thought we were having great sex.


DaughterEarth

silent too?! That sounds sooooo boring


anonymous_opinions

My friend, not knowing about the sex, called him Boring Guy


DaughterEarth

Come on man, give a grunt at least!


LstKingofLust

Damn. That is a sad face in my book. Probably no marathon hour sessions either. Lol.


leftajar

My experience with kinky people has been that they *need* that kink to be present for their sexual satisfaction. That puts them in a weird spot, because they really need to be screening for someone who's into that. But putting that on the profile has its own set of issues. Ultimately I think it's probably a net time-saver to bring it up as quickly as possible, and I don't fault people for doing it.


dancedancedeutsch

Ask. Don’t make assumptions. As someone new to this entire concept, I’ve learned that kinks are very individual and specific. You set expectations for your own body parts. Not sure what you mean by what are the expectations for post pandemic summer. Also, just for clarity, the pandemic still exists.


mageyes

There is some sort of expectation or belief that due to everyone being penned up for the last year that this summer will be filled with wild orgies and sex parties. I’m not kidding.


CaptainTrips1919

Yeah I have a feeling I'm still gonna be a socially awkward introvert even once I'm fully vaccinated.


mageyes

I’m sure you’ll be able to find an introverted vaccination orgy where everyone gets naked, sits quietly on the furniture and stares at each other while simultaneously getting the jab.


disposable_walrus

If that’s a thing, someone invite me please?


anonymous_opinions

Fully vaxed here, dating another full vax person. We're still both awkward even with that 5G implant.


CaptainTrips1919

Aw man, that 5G doesn't come with an extroversion upgrade?


anonymous_opinions

Do you want to be the person who needs people to feel energy though?


CaptainTrips1919

I'm just sad and lonely and sick atm lol. Probably not, in truth.


anonymous_opinions

That's how the world has been feeling in the last year+


dancedancedeutsch

Fantastic 🤣


mageyes

I wish I could find the link, but one “news” article referred to it as “the slutty summer”.


dancedancedeutsch

Just what the world needs. Hope all these people are getting tested.


jakeysnakey83

Maybe we can create a brand new virus?


mageyes

You’re onto something here…


myselfasme

In my experience, means that they've seen something in porn that they want to try and I will not like it. I've also noticed that the men who claim kink, really aren't kinky, they just want to think they are to justify sleeping around and never truly satisfying anyone. It's like they are saying to themselves 'she just isn't cool enough to get my kink,' instead of facing up to the fact that they need to revisit what intimacy and mutual pleasure actually is.


Kyoko_Ikkoku

I think it varies from person to person. I consider a lot of things kinky, but I'm also kinky af. Someone else may consider light bondage "kinky." However, I don't put that on any profiles for fear of being targeted as DTF... maybe I used to be pretty DTF but nowadays I'm pretty choosy who gets access to my body.


nx85

Hmm. If it's in their profile and/or they lead the conversation with it then you can probably assume they're serious about whatever it is. >I tend to assume they’re into some mild to moderate S&M stuff. Don't forget feet. It's probably feet like 50% of the time.


jakeysnakey83

Haha really? Yeah I guess the full gamut of possibilities are…possible.


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MLeek

Generally, if someone mentions or hints at kink, the only thing I assume is that it means they are sex positive and open to discussing sex with me. If someone tells me they are definitely not kinky, I assume talking to them about sex will be more difficult. But, I’ve been proven wrong in both assumptions, so I do try not to form too firm an impression either way. It really is best to ask. It exists in such variety and on such a spectrum it’s basically completely individualized. Just because someone is kinky or not-kinky doesn't mean they are compatible with a fellow self-identifying kinky or not-kinky person. I mean, I've met people who think a bit of spanking is super kinky, and people who wouldn't call anything short of a full gimp suit all that very kinky at all...


mote0fdust

I’m really relieved to read this thread. I’m not looking for just sex on the apps, so any mention of sex is an automatic no from me. I’m relieved to read that the self described “kinky” people are probably full of shit and people who consider themselves “kinky” aren’t pulling out the whips and chains every night. I never really knew what to think when people mentioned it on their profiles (other than it was just a huge turn off) so I’ve learned a lot.


Delicateblue

I put the word "open-minded" on my profile and just let it be.


FeetySam

Well some people also put it just because they met to many persons not even interested in exploring the vast vanilla settings… even vanilla sex persons are considered pervs by some prude ones so where does the limit stands …?


LTOTR

I think all that translates to is that they’re positioning themselves as someone who places an emphasis on whatever their preference is and is open to respectful discussions about whatever the thing is.


jakeysnakey83

I like this view


XSmooth84

I just want to point out that on Reddit with the kink/bdsm subreddits, 95% have the word "daddy" in the title. You'd think that was the only criteria for kink if this was your gateway and source of info. ... according to my friend, I've never checked myself obviously 🧐 Edit: why y’all downvoting me I’m right!


anonymous_opinions

I was going to write a bunch here but if you're wondering what they're into you can ask them. Kinky people love to talk about their kinks up front. If you want to stay away from butt stuff, handcuffs and barehanded spankings (I consider that to be LIGHT kink) you don't want to open Pandora's box to learn about the more extreme kink stuff out there.


Condom-Ad-Don-Draper

It seems like “mild” kink is still bondage, tying someone up, fetishizing certain body parts, and anal sex. Extreme bondage seems to be breathe play, rape or incest role playing, or forced oral sex until a woman vomits, hitting/slapping… I make it clear I’m not into any of that from the getgo. One man replied, “well I’m into mild bdsm I just like choking, double penetration, and being called daddy/dad daughter role play”. Needless to say, I didn’t do any dating for a while after that. Truly traumatizing.


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chipper_zipper

Kinky and poly are two completely different things though 🤔 One doesn't necessarily mean the other, at all.


Caroline_Bintley

Depending on where you live, those crowds may overlap quite a bit.


anonymous_opinions

Much overlap in Portland OR but I'm absolutely fine not dating those types. They're very open about being poly and having full dance cards anyhow.


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hiddenskittle

Sorry, I definitely didn’t mean it as negative in any way? Just confused what I said wrong


Capable-March-3315

Since everyone else is saying “I’d just like to point out.” I’d just like to point out that if they put “kinky” in their profile they are most likely a spam bot account.


MsSunrays

Yeah if they're writing it on their profile there's probably nothing that would phase them/shock them. They want you to know they are comfortable and knowledgeable about aaall the kinks and probably open to a good amount of them. Think golden showers, Dg role play, Consensual non-consensual or probably sounding kink (sticking things up your pee-hole).